A lot of Blah Blah Blah today!
In my senior year of college, I was the shit.
I had a great job at a vet clinic, doing what I enjoyed. I was getting good grades, my GPA was on the rise, I was in love and planning my up coming wedding later that year.
I was also applying for veterinary school. As long as I could remember, all I'd ever wanted to be when I grew up was a veterinarian. When I was little, I used to play vet with our cat Miesha. I'd wrap her up with bandages and keep detailed logs of her complaints and ailments. I loved my job as a vet tech, I loved the customers, the animals, the medicine, and making things better for animals and their people.
So while I was finishing up school, I was applying to vet school. I had a recommendation from the entire college on my application and loads of glowing letters of support and recommendation to show for my years of effort and work towards my goal. I took the GRE, I re-took the GRE when I scores weren't high enough, and had everything in order so I could live my dream.
It came as no surprise to me that I was accepted to the 2nd stage of the application process. I 
had an interview!!! This was my shot! All I had to do was wow them face to face and I'd be in, easy enough, I'm cute, I'm poised, I'm charming. This was a no brainer for me! I was cocky too!
Unfortunately, I futsed up the interview. I was terribly nervous and tripped all over my words and blabbered on about nothing and killed my chances at being accepted. When I called after I was declined entry to inquire about what went wrong, I was told that although I was smart enough, my scores were good, etc. my blabbering was my ruin. I was, of course, encouraged to apply next year!! You betcha!
So secretly, I was a teensy bit relieved that I didn't get into vet school. I'm not sure why....no wait. I do know why. It was because I was getting married. I graduated from college in May, got married in June and was supposed to start vet school in August. My plans went well up to August when I didn't start vet school! Perhaps I told myself that I was relieved, but in reality, I was mad. I wanted to go to vet school and there wasn't anything else I had ever wanted to do. I was hugely disappointed. I just told everyone that I was happy I didn't get in. It wasn't for me, afterall.
Inside, I resented my husband for being a road block to vet school. I couldn't attend vet school now, I reasoned, because it was far away and there were no jobs for my husband in this tiny college town. We would have to move, there would be zero opportunities there for him and we'd be poor and struggling all in the name of my dreams. There were too many obstacles in my way.
So I created some more road blocks, naming them Riley and Olivia and reasoned further that I couldn't go to vet school because now I wouldn't be around to be a good mother to them if I had to throw myself into a highly challenging veterinary program full time. I resented them too.
So now, as I sit and ponder what would make me happiest and what I should do *next* I can't get vet school out of my head. It seems virtually impossible that I could ever attend, let alone get accepted to vet school, but I still dream of it. I know this is what would make me happy but I can find no way to get to it. I'd have to re-take the GRE, my scores have expired and I had to have a GRE prep course to prepare me the last time. I couldn't do that this time. I have no referrals from veterinarians or from my university. I don't even have a job or a boss now that would speak towards my great work ethic and attendance record!! I'm never late for my job as a stay at home mom!! Also, we'd have to sell our great house and move to BFE, uproot the kids out of a great school district and make my husband move to a po-dunk town where he wouldn't make near enough money to pay for my school and keep us feed and clothed.
Why did I even bother to go to college at all? What was the point? What will I do when my kids are in school? Will I always wish I had applied again and tried one more time for my dream? When will I be satisfied with what I have now?
Don't get me wrong. I love my children, I love my husband and I love the life we have made together but....things could have been very different. I hope that writting about it and getting it out there will help me get over it or figure some things out. I really welcome your comments about this!!
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On another note, I had this post really well written and typed out in my mind. I swear if I were half as brilliant during my waking hours as I am during my Twilight time (the time between sleep and awake for me when my mind swirls with the most fantastic and ingenous ideas) I could take over the world. I'm like Pinky during the day and The Brain at night. It sucks because I have vague ideas of the problems I worked out during my Twilight but I can't quite remember the solutions.
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And here's something else! You might find this funny as you read the first 2 parts of my post! I received an award for my blog!
What this award is about...
Bloggers who show great attitude and gratitude.
What you have to do...Upon receiving The Lemonade Award, you also pass it on to others who show great attitude and gratitude.
Here are the rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 8 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
Ok, so I have thought about it and picked a few other blogs that I think show great attitude. :) Here they are:
Cheryl @ Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old
The Love Crackhead @ Journals of a Love Crackhead
Sarah @ The Napping House
Floreta @ The Solitary Panda
Cyndi @ Just an Everyday Bitch
Laurie @ Decorating Fanatic
Betz White @ Betz White
Cherry Hill Cottage
Now, I got my award from my dear friend, Michelle at From House to Home, so please check her out when you get a chance. Michelle is very crafty and always has some awesome home improvement thing going on at her house. She's wow-worthy.
SO! That's it for me today, folks! Thanks for reading if you got this far! I know I had a lot of Blah Blah Blah going on. Thanks for bearing with me!
5 comments:
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I understand the blah blahs .... especially after the holidays are over,
I say if you think you want to go to vet school..talk to your family..and go for it!
Sarah,
You need to decide what you see yourself doing in 10 years. Imagine what you would want to be doing, what would make you happy and smiling a decade from now. And then make it happen! Don't make excuses about how everyone else comes first. You're good at balancing everything and taking care of the kids, do something for yourself for a change.
I'm sorry you missed that opportunity back then. It just means the world has another plan for you! (((hugs))))
~Michelle
Oh, thanks for the award - so sweet! You have to nominate *eight* blogs? Yowch! lol
What does your husband think about moving to BFE and working for a lower paying job? Because, face it, even if he had a higher paying job, vet school is expensive - you'll be poor for awhile as you work through it.
I heard once that to find out what you really want to do in life, close your eyes, get a quiet mind and then ask yourself "If I could do anything in the world without fear of failure, what would it be?" and the first thing that comes into your head, that's it. That's what you should do. It sounds to me, like this is your 'it'.
About the kids, it is such a balancing act for in-tune, caring mothers to balance their responsibility as mothers with their own desires. I have a SIL who errs completely on the side of her own desires and one who errs on the side of being a martyr. Neither is good for anyone - mother or children - involved. In this case, with something you feel so strongly about, it's important I think for your children to not only see you achieving your dreams - and working damn hard to do it - but for you to be able to (by doing this) remove any residual resentment that might creep into your relationship without you even knowing it. There's a reason my then-fiance refused to marry me until I'd gone and lived in Ireland. :)
About getting into vet school - I think you're actually in better condition than you think. Vet schools have quotas to fill. Not only number of females enrolled, but number of 'returning students'. The only thing that flubbed you up was your interview. Retake the GRE, call the admissions office and find out what steps you need to take to be considered competitive, go talk to your old professors. Remember, it's all about who you know.
At least if you look into your options, you won't be kicking yourself later for never trying, aye?
Sorry for the blathering post. lol
Thanks a lot Susan. :) Maybe I will go for it.
You're right Michelle, I think I am making excuses and it is definately genetic for women in my family to go all martyr on stuff like this and sacrifice their happiness for their family but that's not what I want for myself. I think I'm going to have to step out of my comfort zone (and out of family history) and find something for myself.
Hey Sarah! You're not blabbering. I appreciate your thoughts! You've given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate your advice.
I'm going to speak to my husband and go after my dreams. It would be a good example for my children instead of suffering silently and being the world's best martyr.
I, too, was thinking about how vet school would receive a continuing education applicant like myself. I sure know I'd be able to write a hell of an entrance essay on knowing what I want and going after it, even after 'settling down', kwim?
Thank You!!
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